Outer space, outer space, are relatively empty areas of the Universe that lie outside the boundaries of the atmospheres of celestial bodies. Contrary to popular belief, space is not completely empty space: it contains, albeit with a very low density, interstellar matter (mainly hydrogen molecules), oxygen in small quantities (remnant after the explosion of a star), cosmic rays and electromagnetic radiation, as well as a hypothetical dark matter. Space is everything that exists beyond the Earth's atmosphere. We are talking about the vacuum located between planets, satellites and stars, which is also called the space environment. Depending on the objects, the space environment can be interplanetary, interstellar or intergalactic. It is a gas or plasma with an incredibly low density. We have prepared jokes about space for you.
Oh, Vasya, hello! How's your astronomy?
(Vasya, a completely lost shot, a pale little runt):
- It’s normal...
- Why so sad?
- My wife calls me names...
- The sun, he says, is mine...
- And what???
- (sniffling) The sun... it's a yellow dwarf!
Our cosmonauts are working in orbit... Suddenly someone knocks on the window, look, priests - a Chinese! They ask:
- How did you get here?
“And this is a new Chinese technology,” he says, “tovarisya for comrades, comrades for comrades, and hello, comrades!”
A sociological survey is being conducted. Stopped on the street
man and ask:
— Tell me, who in your family decides what issues?
The man says:
- Well, the wife decides local issues: what will we eat for lunch,
Should I buy my son a coat where we will go on vacation... And I decide
global questions: is there life on Mars...
Winnie the Pooh is asked if he knows his ancestry...
- My grandfather was a chop... (sad). Dad (proudly) - kebab...
- Well, what do you dream of becoming?
- An astronaut!
- Why so thoughtful?
- Yes, I’m thinking about how to fit into a tube...
Two spaceships have docked - a Russian and an American, flying together, looking down at the Earth. Flying over Russia, the Americans say:
- ABOUT! In Russia we see millions of telescopes aimed at the sky. We are amazed at such a passion for science in your country!
Russian cosmonauts explain:
- Yes, they drink from the throat!
Husband to wife:
- Listen, do you think it will be possible to have sex in zero gravity?
— Do you think that if you can’t do it here, you’ll succeed in zero gravity?
Mars. Two small green Martians are leisurely strolling along the surface of the planet. One, looking thoughtfully at the stars, asks the other:
- Listen,... do you believe in earthlings?
- TO THE EARTHLANDS?! Do I look like an idiot? And in general - you’ve already got me with your pink men!!!
- Guys, aliens kidnapped me yesterday! But, I don’t remember anything, just a dim light at the top, and some buttons, slow upward movement!!
- Yeah, of course, aliens... Fool, yesterday we took you home drunk in the elevator!
The crew of Romanenko-Grechko managed to bring a flask of cognac on board. Sometimes we take a sip before bed... But we could only drink half the flask. The rest simply could not be poured out: the liquid has the same zero weight as air, so it does not pour out. And if you squeeze it out, it only mixes with air into foam (but straws do not). Therefore, I had to leave half the flask. Imagine the surprise of the crew when the next cosmonauts returned to Earth and said that they had finished their cognac! How?!!
It turned out they had come up with a way. One would rise to the ceiling and take the flask with his lips, and the second would hit him on the head. The first one sank down, and the liquid poured into his mouth by inertia. Then they changed places. As they said, “in addition to higher education, you also need to have at least an average understanding.”
During Bykovsky's flight on Vostok-5, communication was still poor. And, having received a message from orbit “At 9:05 a.m. there was a cosmic knock,” everyone rose to their feet. All the designers, led by Korolev... What knock? Where? They ask:
Was there another knock?
Pause and Bykovsky answers:
No, what, should there have been?
On Earth they don’t understand anything again:
What was the nature of the knock?
What-what, normal. Ordinary.
External or internal?
What is “external” or “internal”? Like this?..
Not! Not “knock”, but “chair”!
(paused and clarified to clear up all questions)
I went big, pooped, pooped, you know?
The earth did not answer - everyone laughed. Then General Kamanin sincerely congratulated Bykovsky on his achievement and championship - Bykovsky became the very first person to do this in space.
In 1973, American Owen Garriott took a voice recorder to the Skylab station, into which his wife uttered several well-calculated phrases in advance. When one day the operator got in touch with the orbital station, Garriott turned on this voice recorder. The following dialogue took place between the station and the Control Center:
- Skylab, this is Houston, answer.
“Hello, Houston,” the station responded in a cheerful female voice. - This is Skylab.
The earth, after a moment's hesitation, asked:
Who's speaking?
“Hello, Bob,” the station responded. - This is Helen, Owen's wife.
Bob digested the answer for several seconds, and then with difficulty squeezed out:
What are you doing over there?
Yes, I decided to come in and bring the guys something to eat. Don’t worry, everything is fresh,” they answered from orbit.
The control center was silent for about a minute and then went dark. Apparently the communications officer lost his nerve.
The old joke about the Intercosmos cosmonaut, whose main function during the flight is not to touch anything and feed the dog on time, actually has a basis. Vietnamese Pham Tuan (call sign "Terek-2") almost immediately began to complain to Earth that he was not assigned to do anything important, that he was ignored, that he was not seen as a space conqueror and a real assistant; he complained that his commander Vladimir Gorbatko (call sign "Terek-1") forced him to do only menial work on board, and did all the interesting things himself. And, in the end, he so swayed everyone at the control center with his whining that one day they told him:
Terek-2, there is an important task for you!
The Vietnamese immediately perked up.
Terek-2, urgently go to the second compartment.
He complied.
Open cabinet number 7.
He opened.
Get blue box #5.
He got it.
Open it. Do you see the banana?
Opened it. Saw.
Peel the banana.
Naive soul, he purified. In anticipation of the most important mission in the history of space Vietnam.
And now,” the mood in the control center has already risen, “pass the banana to Terek-1...
And further. We don't like telemetry, ventilate the station.
The crew, understandably, was stunned. The question follows:
How to ventilate?
Well, just open the porthole for 10 minutes.
The astronauts begin to think that everyone on Earth has gone crazy and, apparently, there is no point in returning. Then they realize that it was a joke. I should answer...
The next communication session arrives (at this time it is already early morning at the control center), and the inspection commission unfortunately shows up. They stand and listen to the crew's report:
That's it and this was done according to schedule... completed... postponed according to... feeling excellent... The station was ventilated.
The commission's eyes widen, the operator (already new) has difficulty staying in his chair:
What, excuse me, did you ventilate?
Station! According to the addition to the assignment received at the last session.
Have you ventilated the station? H-h-how???
The porthole was opened. For 10 minutes. According to the received order.
Now they are gloomily swollen in the MCC. They creaked their brains and realized that they had understood nothing. The control center reported the all clear and... a wild commotion began. Of course, everything was settled later. History is silent about what happened to the joker-operator, but upon their return the crew was given a huge-sized enema. As the chief designer said: “For untimely jokes under aggravating circumstances.”
There was also a stir when the cosmonauts on Mir prepared a spacesuit using a system of ropes and used it during a television session with the Earth. The MCC saw a third person suddenly appear from somewhere behind the two, awkwardly squeeze through in a spacesuit, waving his hand. Who?! Where?! How?! Finished off by the commander, who, looking over his shoulder, said wearily:
Ah-ah-ah, it's you... Well, come in...
Signs of a spacewalk: 1. Lights are burning 2. Stars are sparkling 3. Everything is so complicated 4. Everything is so simple.
Scientists in space have found a purple-yellow-green hole. “She’s just as dangerous and mysterious as the black one, but she’s much more fun to watch.”
China has announced a new program to launch people into space. - But not for the purpose of studying it...
Question to “Armenian Radio”: - What cannot be done in space? - Hang yourself!
Time is running. I'm getting old. What do I have? Insomnia, useless education, unclear future. And not a single flight into space. Not much.
Yesterday, Russian cosmonauts Zolotov and Serebrov went into outer space twice a day. Again due to a broken toilet.
Theoretically, if we install a giant mirror in space at a distance of 10 thousand light years from us and look at it through a telescope, we will see what happened 20 years ago.
– Don’t let people into your space, they will steal your stars and piss in your soul. - Syoma, what are you muttering there? Get ready, we're late for kindergarten.
Leaving home without headphones is the same as going into space without oxygen.
A person does not need space, a person needs a person, well... and cry a little in a Mercedes.
A boy at a rally comes up to Khrushchev and says: “My dad says that you launched not only man into space, but also agriculture.” - Tell dad that I plant more than just corn.
Two Jews flew on a spaceship. One of them went into outer space, worked there and knocked on the ship's hatch. From inside I heard: - Shura, is that you?
Brewer Ivan Taranov loved to visit his friend Tsiolkovsky. - At first, Tsiolkovsky was surprised that a fictional cartoon character was coming to him, but then he was released, and he seriously thought about space...
What a clumsy name for aliens - aliens. It was as if they were walking through space with their knapsacks. Aliens - this is the correct name for the little green men.
Can you send a lady into space? - Yes, it’s very far and not at all rough.
What is the fundamental difference between Europeans and Russians? The Europeans discovered the law of universal gravitation, and the Russians overcame it and went into space.
Previously, Laika was the only dog that spun in space, but now every fool can get a bunch of likes.
A person is capable of conquering space, but is not able to conquer the desire to eat junk while on a diet.
Astronaut of the American reusable space shuttle Endeavor Heidemarie Stefanishen-Piper lost her bag with tools in outer space. - Please return the finder for a reward.
Night. Planet Earth is sleeping. Suddenly one comet flew by, then another,
The constellations moved, the stars began to spin. Everyone on Earth was stunned,
looking up, mouths open. And so - the stars line up and
the words come out - WHO ARE YOU? Well, there is a slight panic on Earth. Yeltsin
calls Clinton, Chirac calls Kohl, they conferred on the hotline until the morning,
in the morning they sent an incredible amount of troops, equipment,
materials, and work was in full swing until nightfall. Everyone is waiting, worried,
Did you come up with a worthy answer? At night everything repeats itself again,
first a star dance, then again - WHO ARE YOU? Well, there are presidents here,
proud, buttons are pressed, and 100 thousand are lit in the Sahara
spotlights, and illuminate the inscription 1000 km long: WE ARE EARTHLANDS!
They waited a little for the stars, spun around again and wrote:
AND YOU SHUT UP AT ALL, WE ARE NOT TALKING TO YOU.
Yesterday, three cases of beer were depressurized at the space station.
As a result, the astronauts went into outer space all night long.
George W. Bush Quote: Only We Are
The great American people were able to send a lunar rover to Mars.
Two planets meet. One complains:
- I fell ill for some reason...
- And what happened? - another one is interested.
- Homo Sapiens settled on me.
- It's okay - it will pass soon!
Look how many stars there are in the sky!
- No, stars!
- No, stars!
- No, star! Comrade, judge us!
- What are you talking about, guys, I don’t even know these words.
A little girl comes up to Khrushchev and says:
- And dad said that you launched not only the first satellite,
but also agriculture.
- Tell your dad that I don’t only plant corn...
1957 The first Soviet satellite went into orbit.
Luna asks him:
- How were you released from the Soviet Union alone?
- And another one is following me, a big one with a dog!
A sociological survey is being conducted. Stopped on the street
man and ask:
- Tell me, who in your family decides what issues?
The man says:
- Well, the wife decides local issues: what will we eat for lunch,
Should I buy my son a coat where we will go on vacation... And I decide
global questions: is there life on Mars...
A man is mowing in a field, suddenly a flying saucer lands,
a beautiful woman in a silver robe comes out
and let's make contact:
- Here, he says, all computers are made for people, and food
They cook, do housework, and raise children...
The man says:
- So, do you think the computer whittles your children too?
- Yes, and how are you...?
- Let me show!
Scene two: a man is running across the field, rushing after him
alien and yells:
- Sell your computer! Sell your computer!
A sergeant on the parade ground gives an astronomy lesson:
- Look up, right above us - the North Star.
One soldier complains:
- Comrade Sergeant, the hat is falling off!
Sergeant:
- Understood! Whoops! Two steps back - one step forward!!!
A UFO lands, two aliens come out of it and see
there is a gas station in front of you. They come closer and see
filling machine. The first of them says:
- So this is what they are like - the inhabitants of the Earth. Let's force it now
this earthling to take us to their main office and announce this
the planet as our colony.
- Come on.
Then the first one turns to the machine:
- We are representatives of the most powerful civilization - you
Now our colony, take us to your leader.
But for some reason he doesn’t hear anything in response. He repeats again
once, then again. The machine remains silent. Then furious
the alien takes out a laser and, with a furious expression, suits
is going to deal with the daring earthling. The second, seeing
what turn events take:
- Wait, don't shoot until I step aside.
After he runs back, the first one shoots - and the whole column
explodes, severely injuring the alien and generally
he feels bad. When he comes to his senses, the first thing he does is ask
second:
- How did you guess that everything would turn out so badly?
- Well, you know, from a guy whose dick is wrapped THREE TIMES
around the torso and there is still enough of it to insert into
ear - nothing good can be expected.
What would have happened if new Russians had appeared in the 60s?
- They would have hammered the needle, and Belka would have flown into space alone.
In the evening, the husband, wife and little boy return from the guests.
- Dad, dad! Why is the moon so big?
- A? - the dozing father shudders. - Who the hell knows.
- Why are the stars so small?
- Stars? Who the hell knows, son!
- Dad, dad! Why......
- Enough, Petya! Give dad a rest! You see - he's tired! -
mother enters.
- Nothing! - the father answers. - Let him ask. Who is he?
except for the father, will he explain everything?!
Brezhnev once went out onto the balcony to look at the stars.
I looked and the moon wasn’t red! He called whoever he needed
They answered him that everything is OK, it will be done! Goes to
the next day - the moon is red as a poppy! Ilyich went to bed
happy. The next day I went out - there was a triangle at the bottom of the moon
white and the inscription in black - Marlboro. He calls, he will be
made! He goes to bed. The next day - red moon,
white triangle, Marlboro and signature below - "Moscow"
Dukat factory." Ilyich lies down happy. The next day.
Brezhnev looked - red moon, Marlboro, Dukat factory,
and below the signature - under license from Phillip Morris Ltd.
He calls him and it will be done. The next day. Brezhnev on
balcony Red moon, white triangle, Marlboro sign,
signature “Moscow factory Dukat”, also signature “under license
Phillip Morris Ltd.", and below in large letters -
USSR MINISTRY OF DEFENSE WARNING...
Armenian radio asks:
- How is my husband different from an astronaut?
Armenian radio answers:
- The astronaut knows his backup, but your husband does not.
TASS REPORT
Forty-one astronauts flew into space:
Four Georgians to open a store,
Four crests for collecting junk,
Four Tatars instead of Gagarin,
Four Ivans to carry out the plan,
Four Jewish people for fraud,
Twenty fucking days to serve these people
And one asshole just like that.
Brezhnev called a group of cosmonauts.
- Comrades! The Americans landed on the moon. We consulted with
comrades and decided that you will fly to the Sun!
- So we’ll burn, Leonid Ilyich!
- Don’t be afraid, comrades, the Party has thought about everything. You will fly at night.
Announcement: tours to the moon. Expensive.
How are you there, in space, without wine, without women?
- But this is why they give us heroes!
From an interview with cosmonaut Yuri Usachev, “Private Life”, Russia, 11/19/04
A fireman comes to a tobacco shop:
- Give me these... ours!
The seller gives him "Smoke".
Next comes the astronaut:
- Give me these... ours!
And he receives Soyuz-Apollo.
A prisoner comes after them, gets "Belomor", a tourist comes,
receives "Shipka", a deputy comes, receives "Parliament".
Finally, the programmer comes:
- Give me these... ours!
The seller is in difficulty:
- Which ones are yours?
- What, do you think that Java is an island?
Two spaceships have docked - a Russian and an American, flying together, looking down at the Earth. Flying over Russia, the Americans say:
- ABOUT! In Russia we see millions of telescopes aimed at the sky. We are amazed at such a passion for science in your country!
Russian cosmonauts explain:
- Yes, they drink from the throat!
The launch vehicle exploded during the launch of China's first spacecraft. Three cosmonauts and ten thousand stokers died.
The Americans flew to Mars. They fly, and crests meet them. Americans ask crests:
- Well, what is there on Mars?
- Yes, nothing.
Martian Chronicles:
2050
The Americans arrived. They treated everyone to hamburgers and Coca-Cola. It was delicious, but there wasn’t enough for everyone, so they ate the Americans.
2060
The Japanese arrived. We treated everyone to sushi and sake. It was delicious, but there wasn’t enough for everyone, so they ate the Japanese.
2070
The Russians arrived. They treated everyone to pi$dyulas. It was not tasty, but there was enough for everyone.
A spaceship from Saturn arrived on Earth. Landed in central Russia, in a rural area. The alien from the ship went to establish contact with earthlings. He walks and sees the men sitting. He approaches them:
- Hello, earthlings! I am a guest from Saturn...
- ABOUT! Vasya, pour some for the guest from Saturn!
The alien drinks and again:
- I am a guest from Saturn...
- Vasya, pour another drink for the guest from Saturn!
The alien drinks, then they pour him another and another. He still tries to explain:
- I arrived on a spaceship...
- Vasya, no more pouring for the guest from Saturn!
The astronaut reports to Earth:
- Two kilometers from the ship, a huge blue monster with an antenna on its head appeared behind the porthole. It continuously looks at me and holds a camera in its hands. What to do?
- We’ll decide now, but for now, smile at him!
Apollo and Soyuz fly together after docking. They fly over the Soviet Union and see millions of telescopes pointed at the sky. “What a passion for science your people have!” - American astronauts admire. “No, they drink from the throat!”
The Chukchi are asked:
- Whose astronautics is the most developed in the world?
- NASA!
Our cosmonauts are working in orbit... Suddenly someone knocks on the window, look, priests - a Chinese! They ask:
- How did you get here?
“And this is a new Chinese technology,” he says, “tovarisya for comrades, comrades for comrades, and hello, comrades!”
Yesterday the first Chinese artificial Earth satellite was launched. Three thousand people were injured during the launch. They suffered a hernia while pulling a giant slingshot.
China's first spacecraft was launched today. The crew of 3 cosmonauts and 200 stokers are feeling normal.
News from orbit. Yesterday our cosmonauts warmly escorted a brave American researcher aboard the space shuttle. During her stay at the station, seven scientific and three non-scientific experiments were carried out with her.
Darling, you will soon become a dad!
- Ehh... I wanted to be an astronaut...
Rabinovich was launched into space. He radios:
“Being 10,000 kilometers away from the Soviet homeland, I feel better than ever.”
Apollo and Soyuz fly together after docking. They fly over the Soviet Union and see millions of telescopes pointed at the sky.
- What a thirst for science in your people! - American astronauts admire.
- No, they drink from the throat!
****************************
Among all the cosmic oddities and practical jokes, the first place rightfully belongs to the joke of Owen Garriott. In 1973, he was a member of the crew of the American orbital station Skylab. The prank he pulled on Mission Control officer Robert Crippen deserves to be forever remembered in the annals of astronautics.
Garriott took a voice recorder with him into space, into which his wife spoke several pre-composed phrases. When one day operator Robert Crippen contacted the orbital station, Garriott was waiting at the transmitter with a voice recorder in his hand. The following dialogue took place between the station and the Control Center:
- Skylab, this is Houston, answer.
“Hello, Houston,” she responded in a cheerful female voice.
station. - This is Skylab.
The earth, after a moment's hesitation, asked:
- Who's talking?
“Hello, Bob,” the station responded. - This is Helen, Owen's wife.
Bob digested the answer for several seconds, and then with difficulty squeezed out:
- What are you doing over there?
- I decided to bring the guys something to eat. “Everything is fresh,” a voice from orbit reassured him.
The control center was silent for about a minute and then went dark. Apparently the communications officer lost his nerve.