Girlfriend - another: - You've torn your pantyhose somewhere. - Yes, it caught on the tank. - What tank?! - Yes, on uniform.

My friend quit drinking. Well, as a “girlfriend” ... now it’s like that, just an acquaintance ...

Waiting for tea friends! I'm wiping glasses!

The most important thing is to achieve more in life than the children of my mother's friends.

If you have a terrible girlfriend, it does not mean that you are beautiful.

The biggest panic was recorded by citizen Ivanov, to whom a friend showed a test with 14 strips.

Girlfriend to friend:
- With such difficulty he persuaded me to come to visit him for coffee. And he himself has no corkscrew, no condoms!

- Girl, are you from the side of the groom or the bride? - I'm the groom's girlfriend on the side.

The sysadmin's girlfriend, the owner of the number five bust, teased him, saying that she was the sysadmin, and he was just a user.

Do you remember, my friend, how young and beautiful we were...especially me...and now they are old, scary...especially you.

It's a shame when you get a brand new iPhone, and your friends think "Pumped." Nobody knows that you actually took it on credit, and everything is still ahead ...

One friend calls another: - I won't come to work today! - Why? - Husband lost 300 dollars, looking for ... - What do you have to do with it? - And I stand on them.

One friend asks another: - Katya, why are you crying? - My boyfriend called me a walker! - So get someone who does not know this yet.

Girlfriends ask Malvina: - How was the newlyweds night with Pinocchio? - Achumet! Pulled splinters all night.

Two girlfriends are talking: - Listen, in the subway, the first thing I look at is the right hand of men - is this already age? - No, age is when you first look at where there is an empty seat in the car.

Two friends are talking: - Well, Lucy, how did yesterday's guy from the disco seem to you? - Yes, well, him! Persuaded me to visit him for coffee. And he has no vodka or condoms at home.

Two vipers meet. The first asks: - Tell me, my friend, frankly: am I poisonous? - Yes, poisonous. - Well, then me Khan: I bit my tongue!

A woman congratulates her friend on her birthday: - At first I wanted to wish you happiness, but I'm afraid to jinx it. Then I wanted to wish you money, but I'm afraid that you will be robbed. Therefore, I wish you love - even if it's fucked ...

Two friends are talking: - My husband doesn't talk to me for the second day... - What's wrong? - I get out of the bath and ask: “Did you change the blade on our razor?”

Rosette to a friend: - Today, on a dating site, one eccentric suggested ... lick me all over !!! I think I will agree to sho ... Hot water was turned off for a month!

Pages: 1

A selection of laughter - jokes without complexes and other humor.

Two old friends meet. Both are married. One asks the other:
- Well, how do you live?
- Great! An apartment, a country house, gold jewelry, a car… How are you?
- I'm really bad! Just awful! The husband drinks, drives moonshine, drags everything from home .... I don't know what to do with it!
- ABOUT! There is a great way to wean your husband from drinking!

– Yes, what?
“We need to take a dead cat and throw it into the pot where he makes moonshine. He will see her and immediately stop drinking!
The woman did just that. Her man came home and immediately went to the pot with moonshine, and she went out into the street, went up to the window and spies on her husband.
The man opened the lid, saw a dead cat and was not scared. He drank moonshine, and then took the cat and began to twist:
- Come on, kitty, dear, at least a little more!

Vanya and Masha play hide and seek. Vanya says:
- Listen, Manka. If I find you, I'll rape you right there.
- Oh, Vanya, in that case, if you can’t quickly find it, then you know, I’ll be standing outside the door.

– Oh grandma, grandma... I lived my life with you, but I never once asked: did you cheat on me?
- Oh, grandfather! Found something to ask at the end of years! No, she didn't. And you?
- Never! But you lie to me...
- Yah!

- Yeees. I remember how Vanka the neighbor followed you all the time ...
- Oh, my girlish memory!
Grandma caught herself, threw the needles with yarn on the floor and ran to the chest of drawers. She opened the lock with the key, and from there the bones fell down ...

Full bus. The man sits and is indignant:
- Well, what a youth went! What a youth!
- What are you? asks the man sitting next to him.

- Well, they are sitting and they won’t give up their seats!
- Well, you're sitting. - the man answers.
- What's the point? And I'm sitting, and my wife has been standing for an hour!

P.S. Comedy Woman - Plastic surgery, after which the husband did not recognize his wife.

Jokes about girlfriends.

Two secretaries are discussing their bosses.

— I like mine, but, unfortunately, it is too pedantic.

- In what sense?

He claims that all words are spelled in a strictly defined way.

Jokes about girlfriends

Two friends meet, one tells the other:

- My husband and I had such an embarrassment yesterday! Imagine, we are lying in bed, and then there is a knock on the door. Well, out of habit, we went to the closet together and rushed.

Jokes about girlfriends

Two friends meet.

- How are you?

- Yes, I work slowly, it seems to be enough for a life, but how are you?

- And I married a very rich 80-year-old old man. So I wanted a Lexus for myself - he immediately bought it for me, I needed a mink coat, he bought it for me ... He bought me both a villa and a yacht in short - everything I need.

- This is all, of course, good - only at the age of 80 he is probably not up to it, well, you know what I mean ...

- I think it will be possible soon - but for now he is undergoing treatment ...

- Oh, yes, I completely forgot that with such money you can recover from impotence ...

- Yes, not from impotence, but from gonorrhea ... Last week I picked it up somewhere, you bastard!

Jokes about girlfriends

Two friends meet, one says to the other:

- Can you imagine, my friend's farm is 30 centimeters. It doesn't fit in my head!

Jokes about girlfriends

Two women spent ten years in the same cell.

They were released at the same time, and for two more hours they stood and chatted at the gates of the prison.

Jokes about girlfriends

Two women on the bus, sitting in the first seat, are talking to each other:

“Masha, I’m going to laugh with laughter right now - I must get so drunk that I can’t get on the bus ...

The man raised his bleary eyes.

- If I still get on the bus, you will also shit on me ... I'm the driver ...

Jokes about girlfriends

Conversation between two friends:

- Do you know how cool it is to do a blowjob in a condom?

- When they give you another 2,000 rubles later, that's great!

Two friends meet.

- Hello! Is it really you? Wow - we haven't seen each other for 15 years! And you got so fat that I didn't recognize you at first.

"You've changed a lot too, if it wasn't for your flowered dress, I wouldn't have recognized you either."

Two friends meet, one is bruised, the other asks her:

- What, they say, happened? Who do you like that?

- Yes, my beloved persuaded me to blowjob.

- And what?

- Yeah, he has a penis of 27 cm.

- Gosha! Where does he need so much?

- Yes, I thought - where does he have so much ...

Two girlfriends met, studied together, haven’t seen each other for a long time, and so on and so forth…

We met, sat too long… The metro is closed, there is no taxi…

The first - Come to me - spend the night.

Second - let's go...

They come, look at each other - something

lacks.

The first - Yes, why hide it - not "something" but "someone".

Second - Do you have it?

First - Yes, you just need to call.

Second, call. And how many do we need?

First - You are a mathematician, so count.

The second - (after a moment's reflection) - 32 people.

The first is ?!? On a fig so to a fig?

The second - I explain: we'll call on the 32nd - half will not come. It remains - 16. 16 will arrive - half will "eat". Remains - 8. Of the remaining eight, half will not be able to; remains - 4.

First - But there are two of us, why do we need four ???

Second - And if we want a second time?

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Classic humor.

(random block)

Each person is talented in his own way: one solves curvilinear integrals in his mind, the other opens beer bottles with his teeth, the third at the 15th minute of dating is able to drag almost any woman into bed ...

The inseparable warrant officers from the communications battalion had one talent for two. As soon as someone somewhere within the garrison opened a bottle, five minutes later the touching mug of one of the ensigns was shown in the doorway, and soon the second was pulled up.

It was called Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers. Their flair for free booze didn't fit within the framework of modern positivist science, but it worked ten times out of ten.

A radio engineer once expressed the idea that the ensigns feel the fluctuation of the electromagnetic field that inevitably occurs when a bottle is opened. For the purity of the experiment, the engineers took refuge in a biological protection chamber, which was used to test special equipment and was tightly shielded. Did not help. Exactly five minutes after the experimental uncorking, there was a scrape on the door. After that, the useless struggle with freeloaders was stopped, before the next use, they simply planned two reserve glasses.

The ensigns' names were Mokrov and Petya. Petya was ruddy, round and very cheerful, while Mokrov, on the contrary, was skinny, round-shouldered and gloomy. He suffered from hemorrhoids, which caused an expression of peevish discontent on his face. When walking, Mokrov stooped heavily, always looked frowningly, and generally resembled a German spy from pre-war Soviet films.

Once in the regiment they conducted a tactical exercise on the protection and defense of the airfield. The guard of honor company famously attacked the ZKP, and the guard company repulsed the attack no less famously. The regiment's management, having climbed onto the roof of the command post, enthusiastically watched the rare sight. The radio operator of the attackers caught the antenna on the barbed wire, the second soldier undertook to cut it. Seeing this, the defenders cry out:

Bitches! Who then will fix the thorn?! - rushed to the counterattack.

It is not known how Mokrov, who got here, gloomily watched what was happening. Petya slowly approached the commander and whispered:

Comrade Colonel, tell them to keep an eye on Mokrov, otherwise he will go over...

But one day the friendship of drinking companions came to an end. Suddenly, obscene cries were heard in the headquarters corridor, the sound of a blow was heard, and Petya flew into the engineering department like a bomb, covering his rapidly swelling eye with his palm.

It turned out that the previous evening, Mokrov and Petya peacefully celebrated the end of the working day and, on some whimsical occasion, argued about how many Hero stars Dear Leonid Ilyich had. Mokrov claimed five, Petya leaned towards six. They argued for a bottle. It was decided in the morning to come to the headquarters and count the Stars on the portrait, which then hung, read, in every office office.

In the morning, a hungover Mokrov showed up at the office, where a radiant Petya was already waiting for him. He presented a portrait of the Supreme, on which six stars were clearly visible. There is nothing to do, Mokrov counted out the money with a sigh and trudged to his BP. In his room hung exactly the same portrait. Prapor squinted angrily at Ilyich, spat, but suddenly became alert. Something was wrong. Putting a chair against the wall, Mokrov crept up to the portrait and began to stare blindly at it. The Leader had 4 Stars! How so?! Mokrov removed the frame from the wall, dragged it to the window, and then the harsh truth was revealed to him. The cunning Petya cut out the missing Star from his portrait of Brezhnev early in the morning and pasted it on his ...

Two friends meet. One another:
- Yesterday I met one of the commercial institutes, we were with him at the LIS, then we went to his house, he has all kinds of grub there, there is a lot of booze, then we fucked him all night ...
- And yesterday I was walking past the MAI, some guy ran into me, put cancer on the fence, ran up, jumped on me, jumped over the fence, and already from there shouts: "Sorry, I forgot the pass ..."

Two friends meet. One complains to the other:
- You know, my husband does not even look at me as a woman. Every day, when he comes home, he tells me the same phrase: “What are we going to eat today? "
- I'll tell you that all men are about the same - infantile and monotonous. I also had a similar problem, but I managed to solve it very easily.
- Is it true? And how did you do it? I want to try too.
- Then buy yourself a black cloak and a black mask. When your husband arrives, open the door for him in this outfit, and success is guaranteed!
A week later, the friends meet again.
- Well, how did you try my method?
- Yes, I met him in such a dress, and he says to me: “Oh! Hey Zorro! What are we going to eat today?”

Two friends meet. One to the other says:
- My husband snores like that, snores like that, a nightmare.
- Yes? Mine used to snore too. You go to the market, buy some rotten herring, and give it a sniff at night, as soon as you start snoring.
She went to the market, bought a rotten herring. Brings at night to her husband's nose. He, in disgust, waves his hand away and says:
- Nu, how many times you repeat?! When you step over me, cover it with your hands!

Two friends meet and one says to the other:
- Can you imagine, yesterday I slept with Natashkin's husband.
- Yes, what are you?! And how is he?!
- Perfect! I don't understand how she can cheat on this wonderful man!
- You see, I told you for a long time that in bed he is much better than your husband. And you didn't believe me...

Two friends meet and one says to the other:
- Can you imagine, yesterday I slept with Natashkin's husband.
- Yes, what are you?! And how is he?!
- Perfect! I don't understand how she can cheat on this wonderful man!
- You see, I told you for a long time that in bed he is much better than your husband. And you didn't believe me...

Friends meet on the street. One is dressed with a needle, expensive makeup, a fashionable handbag over her shoulder. The other is in a scarf, with shopping bags in her hands, a look of concern on her face.
- Uh-uh, - says the first, - yes, dear, I see you got married? And you won't admit it!

Two friends meet. One says:
- Imagine, my husband is so fat that he can barely crawl through the door.
- So let him go in for sports, enroll him in a sports center, I know one very good one: there are 10 swimming pools, 30 gyms, 6 tennis courts.
- Wow, exactly! How did I not think of this myself...
The same friends meet in a couple of months. The one who advised the sports center asks:
- Well, how are you doing?
- No way.
- You didn't manage to persuade him to enroll in the sports center?
- Yes, I did. He now spends whole days there: playing chess and drinking beer.

Two friends meet. One says: - Can you imagine, yesterday a neighbor runs in and asks for something to eat! Well, I rolled up such a table for him - like in a restaurant! - Nu, and as he, modicum thanked? - ABOUT! I have never seen such a BIG THANK YOU!

Two friends meet. Long time no see - two or three weeks. They hugged and kissed. One asks: “Well, how are you doing?” How is life with your new husband? - Oh! sighs her friend. - I don’t even want to talk ... He - can you imagine? - got a new girlfriend! - What already?! You just got married! the first is surprised. - And who is she? Do you know her? - Not really. So, I heard something ... Some kind of foreigner - Erectile Dysfunction.

Two friends meet. One is just a sex lover. The other is a professional of her body. The first is jewelry. On the second - breeches. "Where does such a beauty come from?" - asks the first. "Yes, I gave one new Russian." "You're in luck. And I also have a new one every evening, and it also seems to be Russian, but they don't give bruliki ..."

Three friends meet, one asks the other two: "Do you give blowjobs to your husbands?" They answer: "Of course !!!", "Well, how does the penis taste? Otherwise, I have never tried it!" - the first one asks again. "Oh, sweetie!" - answer her friends. She came home, made up her mind and offered her husband a blowjob, he gladly agreed. As soon as she started, and right there: "Ugh! Salty! And other men have sweets!" (c) Bazder

Two friends meet. One asks: - Why are you so worried? - Oh, don't ask! Guests are coming tonight! I don't have any entertainment program. Well, we'll fight with Vaska, well, I'll show my ass. And what else to do with guests - I'll never know!

There are two girlfriends - how are you, then, behold. One says that she got a job as a housekeeper in a rich family. - What are you talking about, it's probably difficult - to run a household, make decisions ... - Why is it difficult? Just repeat all day "yes, madam", "yes, madam", "yes, madam". And in the evenings "no, monsieur", no, monsieur", "no, monsieur" ...

Two friends meet. One complains to the other: - You know, my husband does not even look at me as a woman. Every day, when he comes home, he tells me the same phrase: “What are we going to eat today? "- I'll tell you that all men are about the same - infantile and monotonous. I also had a similar problem, but I managed to solve it very easily. - Is it true? And how did you do it? I want to try too. - Then buy yourself a black cloak and a black mask. When your husband arrives, open the door for him in this outfit, and success is guaranteed! A week later, the friends meet again. - Well, have you tried my method? - Yes, I met him in such a dress, and he says to me: “Oh! Hey Zorro! What are we going to eat today? »